how not to be an ATM

In advising against being an ATM, I do not mean that dollar-dispensing machine we used so often when cash was a thing, an Automated Teller Machine.  I mean someone who mindlessly (automatically) dispenses (tells) her own particular brand of wisdom and insights as if they were freshly minted gold, and surely valued by all.  It is a tempting gig, I know from experience.

To help save us from auto-teller-hood, here's what Sam, my hilarious, genius friend, suggests.  With a grumpish loved one, simply ask: "Would you like empathy or advice?"

This is genius for several reasons.  First, it hoists both speaker and listener out of the familiar complaint cadence to a new level of mindfulness, and more in the present moment.  What is best to receive?  What is best to give? 

Also, it makes the other person feel heard without densifying the complaint.  I have a tendency to cheerlead--"YOU CAN DO IT!"--and possibly make the other person feel I'm withholding empathy.  (As an Enneagram 7, The Enthusiast, I find such rah-rah-ing helpful.)

Finally, this response is brilliant because, as a human intending to live a joyful life, connection--bringing love and compassion to what seems to be between us--is a powerful notion to hold in mind and heart.